Mothers and Nannies

In talking with a new parent I was struck by one of her anxieties about hiring a nanny for her 9 week old baby girl. In essence, she asked, "What if my baby confuses the nanny for me? After all, the nanny will spend more time with Betsy than I will."

This is a common fear that some new mothers express in their exploration of child care alternatives. As a new parent one often feels insecure about bonding and just how effective they will be in their new role.They feel concern about the impact of their work life upon their relationship with their children. How will they balance work and family responsibilities? Sometimes, guilt sets in when they employ a nanny to spend many hours with their child. It is understandable but thankfully, more fantasy than reality.

Any professional nanny with a healthy sense of self, strong experience and references, and an understanding of the responsibilities and scope of their role would not dream of usurping the mother's position. Most nannies view their job as "Professional Adjunct" or "Partner" to the parents. They are team players with profound respect for the authority of their employers. In all my years of interviewing candidates I have rarely encountered candidates wanting to be "substitute moms."

Let's not confuse love with boundary violation. A nanny cannot love too much. Although a parent might experience pangs of jealousy, what mother would not want her child to be loved unconditionally by a primary caregiver! An empathetic nanny will be sure to include parents in by keeping a journal and updating them daily on what has gone on. None of us are perfect beings and it is exciting and enriching to expand our familial network by the addition of a nanny with unique talents, personality and skill sets. Welcoming a nanny into this widening network does not mean a step down from your parent role.

New parents have control over the hiring and screening process. Presenting the nanny with a clear job description is one way of delineating differences between nanny and mother. In fact, one of the criterion that many of our candidates have in employer selection is that the parents are very involved in the lives of their children. They want to work closely with employers in establishing goals and the assessment of how things are going. Nannies feel deeply for their charges and feel most comfortable when the parents are emotionally involved. Nannies want to be nannies, not moms. They treasure ongoing communication so that the child is best served.

Even though the amount of time spent with one's child might be reduced, the quality of that time is what counts. A working mom can make sure that she feeds the baby in the morning before going to work and can be involved in bathing the baby at night. Weekends can be very special times in which the focus is on lots of activity and family time. As the child gets older having dinner together has a very positive impact upon their development.

It is very important that mothers and nannies are on the same page in terms of childcare philosophies and priorities for the child. Being out of sync is a predictor of dissatisfaction for both parties and can lead to confusion in a child. Invest the time in exploring all of this before hastily hiring.

A recent longitudinal study in which toddlers have been observed with full-time mothers in one group and full-time caregivers in another (Patricia A. Nachman, Ph.D, director of the Margaret S. Maher Observational Research Nursery at the New School for Social Research, NY) concluded

"In all cases the mothers appeared to be the primary objects upon whom the children's most intense feelings, identifications and separation concerns centered. In, short, the child 'knows', probably from early on, that there is something special or at least different about mother."

In conclusion, most professional nannies recognize and salute the very special relationship that a child has with their mother. The love and adoration of a nanny does not cancel out the love of the mother. Nannies are empathetic and supportive of the bond and closeness that every mother and child hold. Make sure in the interviewing process that the nanny has this interpretation of her role. If you feel otherwise, pass.